Monday, May 28, 2007

the world has changed

Mom died at around 5 a.m. this morning.

It has been amazing to see how strong the human body can be. She took no food since May 18th, and no water since May 19th. We honored her health care proxy and did not force anything on her - and, why? We knew she was dying of dementia/Parkinsons. She didn't. And, so she kept going on. At one point her lungs filled up (perversely, this is a reaction to dehydration) but they cleared with some medication that the hospice nurse recommended that we get. (yay Hospice - what a great help they were.) Her last couple days were gentle, she was taking shallow breaths and we think this morning they just stopped. She looked very much the same as she had when Greg checked on her this morning and found that she was no longer breathing. Calm, no pain. Again, yay Hospice.

I'm a whirlstorm of emotion. i did not have what i would consider a good relationship with this woman. she was pretty unhappy, chronically dissatisfied - i remember one week in high school that started with her bitching at me because I was not at home much, so i stayed home and the week ended with her bitching at me for being home too much. This on top of 5+ years of constant criticism and verbal abuse. And she never asked me why I moved 3,000 miles away.

So, to the giver of my life and shredder of my self esteem and giver of emotional pain - farewell. Hope you have a better life next time. Hope you learned what you needed to, this time. Hope you are finally happy and at peace.

Saturday, May 5, 2007

There's gotta be a better way!

Hoo boy. I am sitting at Greg & Andrea's right now, on duty as a home health aid. We brought Mom out of the nursing home here on Monday evening. It's been a very long & tiring week. Fortunately, we have gotten some excellent support from a home-care agency. Lucy, the physical therapist who has been here a couple times actually worked with Mom when she was still in dementia care, 5 months ago. Lucy spotted right away that Mom is no longer turning her head. And Lucy is a magician with a sheet and soaker pad - we have learned how best to move, position, transfer and change Mom. The problem is bending over the bed. Well, if you put your knee up on the bed, it saves your back. Doh! But it took Lucy coaching us for us to get it. It is taking me time to get used to that - because I would never have gotten on Mom's bed. And the early childhood training kicks in automatically. I made a note "Knee ON bed!" and posted it as a reminder.

I would much rather be out on a bike, it's a beautiful day. I am sandwiching in doing my things early in the morning or late at night - mowing the lawn 20 minutes at a time, shopping at Wegmans at 9 p.m. (thank everything for a great 24-hour grocery store! Now if they'd only add in a wine & spirits section I'd be all set.) I am working hard to not default to junk food in front of the TV when I get home at night. I worked out instead, yesterday evening, and am quite proud of that. And this weekend is an anomaly - Greg is sailing with one of Andrea's sisters & her husband, if he was here she & I could have time to get out.

* * *

I am now tasked with ripping out the carpet in the downstairs of my little houseen. With the warm weather, the dog smell is rising. Ugh. I can't even eat in my dining room these days. (Hmm, that helps not eating in front of the TV ... no, no, it's gotta get fixed.) I had wanted to wait until I started pulling income to replace the floors but I revised that decision as I found the smell was making me quite unhappy with the house. So last week I sailed into a flooring store, picked out some beautiful laminate by Armstrong, a superiorly environmental company, and scheduled install on May 21. In addition to pulling out the carpet, I thought I was also going to demo the tile in the kitchen and hall myself. Tried it. That is so not happening by my hands & arms. I can get the tile out, no problem. But the 'concrete board' underneath - no way. It seems quite pathetic - I have been working hard at gaining strength - I can see muscles in my arms when I'm not even "pumped". But man, I just don't have the strength for this! So, I'm paying expert strong people to do it. And they'll haul it away too.

The house is maybe 800 sq ft on the ground floor, and it currenty has 5 different flooring surfaces: carpet in the DR/LR, tile in the kitchen, different tile in the hallway and different tile in the powder room. It's all going to get unified, and I am anticipating that making the place look bigger. Plus it will get rid of those stupid trip-you-up wood strips that cover the transition from each different surface to its neighbor.

* * *
I have started using my 'all-you-can-call' telephone service to connect with friends in California. I had a great conversation with Pat. She has taken a job at Esalen, and is living on site. I plan to make a visit there - it's a beautiful spot on the planet, and now dedicated to spiritual explorations and learning. Our conversation rambled, we were talking about me getting settled in my place. I mentioned that I had bought the book 'Move Your Stuff, Change Your Life'; it's a great guide to Feng Shui. Pat says, excitedly, "Oh I love that book! I have it! I've Feng Shui'ed my yurt!" I had to stop and tell her that only she, in California, at Esalen, could have said that sentance - "I have Feng Shiu'ed my yurt" ... absolutely delightful.

* * *
Two weekends ago I went on a long overdue girl's weekend. It actually was less than 24 hours. Beth and I drove east, Maggie drove west and we met in Saratoga Springs about 3 on Friday afternoon. Beth had found us a place that offered a spa package, 3 people, one night stay and a massage each. It was great to get together, we hadn't been all together for fun since college. We all came prepared - we had 3 bottles of wine, limoncello and one bottle of champagnge between us. Oh yes, we brought apples and crackers and cheese and water too. We were planning on a great time. Started the reunion with our massages, planned to hang out afterwards, get dinner then go out. Note to self - have a massage some other day, instead of the day you plan to go out! We were all so tired, we crashed at about 11. We strolled through the town of Saratoga Springs the next morning, shopped a bit, ate lunch then got back on the road at about 2. So short that it hardly seemed like we'd done it. But it was great to get together and catch up.

* * *
I just changed Mom and then fed her breakfast. This is weird, hard, wonderful, horrifying and incredibly moving all at the same time. Words fail I.