Letting Go

It's been a very busy and very interesting fall, this 2010. I was in the vicinity of something that sounds like urban legend but was true. Anish, a coworker who manages our east coast channel partners, dropped out of communication. It took a couple days for his closest cowrker at HQ to start asking around, as he is quite good at returning calls and emails, even with a very heavy travel schedule. She raised the alarm after 3 days, notified our HR director, who called out to the east coast and his emergency contacts, then the police. Who found him, quite dead, in his apartment. Sudden, unexpected, natural causes. He was 39. Wow. I was getting to know him, he was a great guy with a fun, dry sense of humor and was super at his job. In addition to the shock, a few of us geared up and took over his planned events. That is what had me in the northeast in early November. So, weird, part of life, and another reminder that life is not to be taken for granted.

I have been letting go of a lot of old patterns of thought that are no longer serving me. And things, too. The biggest being my car. I loved my car, but it was starting to need a lot of maintenance. I'd had it for 15 years; shipped it as a gift to my brother in Rochester when I moved out of the country. When I moved to Rochester a couple years later he gave it back to me. I went through a lot of changes with that car and while we were both in Rochester, derived comfort from it's familarity as a lot was changing in my life. When I finally moved back to California, I brought it too. But, this fall, I really struggled with deciding what to do with it - spend the money on maintenance on a 15 year old car, or get a new one? I talked it out with a couple of friends, the pros and cons of getting rid of it, and thinking about getting rid of it really upset me. I finally realized it was the only tangible, day to day evidence of my life before all the changes started. I was hanging on way past reasonableness. And, it helped me out, generous to the end, by failing to start one day. Got that fixed, and 8 weeks later it did it again. That did it, I couldn't count on it being reliable anymore. Time to get a new car.

During all this was the big fall travels, and my thoughts processing slowly. Maybe due to tirednes of the travel, or this time of year, but the car died again on Nov 22nd. Oh yeah, there was also surgery on the 19th that month - mouth work - that may have contributed to my general fuzziness (ya think?) I was loaned a vehicle - didn't even think clearly enough to ask but sent an email saying my car had died, I needed to rent a car so couldn't join my friend for breakfast, and she replied, "Ya want to borrow my truck?" My brain was flooded with the thought - that's exactly what I want! Yay! (and thank you, again, Renee!)

A week later, I bought my current car. I'd driven a bunch of cars during all my work travels, and even had test-driven some of the gorgeous Nissan Zs. Love how they drive, but they are too small to be my only car. I had driven a Mazda 3 in Phoenix, really liked it. Did a little research, including talking with Kimberly who has a Madza 3 also. As she says, "I have zoom zoom and I'm not afraid to use it!" So here are pics of Ruby:

Catching my breath

Oh my, the past couple of months have been so full of travel I have not done much else. It started with an event in Toronto in September, with our biggest sales partner, to meet and recruit new resellers. I took a couple of days of personal time and took Amtrak from Toronto to Rochester, to visit. That was a first for me. The train ride was great. The food was unbelieveably bad! Like sandwich machine food. Yeech! There were several Australians on the train too, and none of us could concieve that this was all there was to eat.

Had a great visit with family in Rochester. Had gotten back to CA, and was just getting back to west coast time zone, when I was asked by the east coast sales rep to cover an event for him - in Rochester! What a great perk!! So I got to go visit in October, too.

And I have been on the road every week since. 2 weeks ago, Phoenix. Last week, flew to Newark, NJ; drove down to Eatontown, then to Shelton, CT; then back to Newark. This week, Minneapolis. Week after, back to Phoenix. Then I plan to stay close to home for a while. (Do I hear God laughing??!?)

Work is crazy busy, and getting busier. I keep hoping this is the lead-up to a quantum leap, where we organize at a higher energy level and can take a breather for a while.

Fun side project has come to fruition: I am one of the authors of the Scrappy Women's Guide to Business: Living Proof that Bending the Rules Isn't Breaking the Law

My friend Kimberly concieved of this book a couple years back. I wrote a chapter; as did 10 other women. She edited, and we got it published a couple months ago. It is so cool to see it in physical form. And it's selling on Amazon! Whoo Hoo! It's packed with great advice and wisdom from 11 Scrappy Women on our paths into, out of, and through the business world. Check it out!!

Beautiful summer day Home West

This weather is spectacular. Warm days, cool nights. Yesterday evening I went to a concert in Redwood City, at Courthouse Square. I grabbed my camp chair and a bottle of wine, took Caltrain therre and met up with Kimberly and her crew. The band was great and the lead singer gave a performance to rival Tina Turner. If you get a chance to see Cafe R&B, jump at it!
http://www.caferandb.com/Cafeschedule.htm

The previous evening, I went downtown Mountain View to enjoy the street party there. 4 Thursdays in the summer they block off Castro St, host a couple of bands, a couple of vendors and an assortment of classic cars & hot rods. The band there, Finding Stella, was rockin - lead singer did justice to both Janice Joplin and AC/DC - and their original songs were great too. http://www.findingstella.com/

So good to hear live music again, especially outdoors.

Cramming, part 2

Sunday of the trip, we woke and started cleaning house. Brother John and his wife Amy, her dad Keith and his wife Pat were due in. It was a beautiful day, not too humid, so we planned to be out on the deck for most of the visit.

Beth had invited me to go to a show with her that day too, so I helpd clean, then scooted off with her in the early afternoon. We saw "Girls Night Out", a musical that's making the community theater rounds. It was fun, I can recommend it. probably better to do an evening show with a drink to encourage you to sing along with 'we are family' and the other songs they showcased. (What is it about Rochester and that song? I seem to catch a performance of it every summer that I'm there.)

Got back just in time to sit down to an early dinner with the guests, then we hung out in the backyard. Amy headed back with Keith and Pat, and the rest of us went inside to watch some of John's recent TV appearences. Dad enjoyed seeing them. Greg then took Dad home, and we ended up out in the kayaks. Fun, full day!

Got up early the next morning to make a donut run. Donuts Delight is back in business, y'all!! Corner of Culver and Empire. That had been our Sunday breakfast for years - making a donut run after church. A couple years ago, the Malleys closed it down after trying to find a buyer. They finally sold it to Salvatore's Pizza, and now it's a combined pizza place and donut shop. John wanted to make the run, so I got him and Gavin up at 7 and off we went. Took the lake route there, I forget that John doesn't have such recent time in Rochester as I do. When we're all together, it seems to me like we all live there. But he was noticing recent changes. Saw more on the way back as we drove past Kodak Park, where some of the buldings John worked in for a couple summers are now gone. (Dynamited and removed to cut the property taxes!)

The donuts were as we had remembered. I tried to have only one, but had half of another. And then, yep, this is why I don't have donuts and coffee for breakfast anymore - the sugar rush followed by the crash. Ecch. Felt awful all morning! But boy, they tasted good.

Ran around the rest of Monday getting things in the mail, then zoomed over to my house to meet Andrea's brother and a friend of his - they were taking her old butcher block table and 8 chairs, then her brother returned for my couch, coffee table and dining room table - they'll serve as furniture for his daughters as they outgrow their little things. It was good to have that stuff go - but there was still the Salvation Army pile. Now what? Well, the neighbors across the street came to chat. It transpered that their neighbor's church has a rummage sale in Sept. Arrangements were made, and on Tuesday, Lutherans came with a van and took the rest of the stuff with profuse thanks on both sides. A miracle! Now the house is almost ready for the renter to move in.

Tuesday, I also visited with Dad again. Finished up the game of Risk that Gavin & Andrea and I had been playing for a day. Then headed for the airport.

Fast, fast trip. I thought I'd feel more regret at giving up the house. I really had thought, on moving there in Jan 07, that I'd make a life there. So that part didn't work. But I didn't feel too upset, I wish I could have made the improvements I had planned. And wish it had sold outright. But I'm OK with things as they are there.

Here, in California, that's another matter. I want to feel like I'm making progress with my life and I don't. This will need some thinking and reframing and goal-setting to conquer, I believe. Meanwhile, here are some more pics:




Set for a Party


Dad and Amy


John and Gavin playing ladder golf


Dessert on the deck - John & Amy, Dad and Keith


Me, John & Gavin setting out for an evening paddle


Amos boys watching John on TV

In which we cram way too much into 5 days, part 1

Arrived in Rochester Thursday evening, picked up the rental car and headed towards summer vacation :-). Got to Greg's in time to have a bit of dinner and make plans for the next day. Sitting around their kitchen table, getting organized, catching up on the past couple months with them, it was like slipping into my real life. Yet weird, as I was there to finish emptying out my house and making final arrangements with the renter.

Friday the 9th, dragged myself out of sleep at 8:40 or so - 5:40 body clock. At 9, called the local pool place - I had arranged for them to come out and open the pool. "Oh", she says, "They left 5 minutes ago". Awk! Threw clothes on and scrambled. Got to the house 30 minutes before they did, caught up on email, looked at the items remaining in the house. Once the repair guys got there, I zoomed up the way to a local diner, got breakfast, made a run to Wegmans for breakfast for me for the next few days. Back as the pool guys were stopping. Turns out the pool wall was damaged by ice last winter. Have to get a specialist out to repair it. Meanwhile, the tenant wants to get into the house on the 15th. Yikes!

Around 1:30 or so, Nancy showed up! Yay! She took a break from parent duties and drove up to visit. We went out for lunch, and it started pouring. And the temp dropped 15 degrees, thankfully.

Took Nancy to Andrea's to see the pond view. We hung out for an hour or so, talking about elder care and all the things we're dealing with - clearing stuff out of houses, staying on top of meds, helping them adjust to a lower level of capability. This is a difficult phase - and a lot of the people I know are going through it in some form. Plus a bunch of us are wondering what to do, really, with our lives. I feel like I've been in transition for years. I can't see to what I'm moving, but I'm determined to stay in the process and not give up. I'm getting almost comfortable with this uncomfortable feeling. :-)

Saturday morning was processing the stuff that was still in the house, getting things out to the garage for the Salvation Army pickup that was supposed to happen that day. (They never did.) The realtor came over, so did the tenant/buyer. We went through the final things to be fixed, evolved a plan and I showed the tenant through the place, how to work things, some of the quirks. I'm sure I'll need to tell her more, too.

Here's a few pics from those days:



The house, emptying out



Gorgeous sunset on the pond, after the rains on Friday



Beautiful weekend after the rains passed through.

Happy summer!

The weather Home West has been so wonderful this year for all but tomatos. My friends who garden say it's been too cool. I have been loving the cool - almost cold nights. I am headed to the land of air conditioning, though - going back Home East to visit and to clear the last of the things out of my house there - have a renter moving in. Technically, this is a 'rent to own'; from my online research it seems that most of those do not end up buying the house. I'll know more in a year. But meanwhile, the house will be occupied and cared for, which is a great worry off my mind.

I have my clothes all laid out to pack. I am rarely happy with my selections when I get to where I'm going - is this common? I try to think ahead while I'm here, and as soon as I get there, I know immediately what I should have brought instead of what I did bring. I'm working on premembering that, this time. Was going to pack this morning before work, but now I think I'll wait until I get home tonight. I also always want an evening of leisure before a big trip - just hanging out, reading; but I rarely get that either. Hmmmm. Time to adjust my attitude there.

The house here is looking good, the lower side garden got shaped up with my roomie's help. Flowers look good, and the roses are blooming again. This is the first place in CA that I've had roses. Turns out I like them.

Ta for now. I hope to write from the road.

The spill is growing

And, still so cool to see my brother on TV.

John Amos, President of Sky Truth, on MSNBC, estimating the oil spill:

John on YouTube

I'm so proud!

Not because of the catastrophe, but ...

My brother! On CNBC and Bloomberg!

http://www.cnbc.com/id/15840232/?video=1481049904&play=1



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_R_7spiraU0&feature=youtube_gdata

Life in progress

I am see-sawing between personal productivity and sloth. Every time the weather goes rainy and cold I have a hard time doing anything, while thoroughly enjoying this long rainy winter/spring. But other days I am getting a lot done. Part of that is due to friends. I could not pick a new washer & dryer to save my life. Was out with Peri one Sunday, we happened to be driving by an appliance store, stopped in and preso! a great set was on sale, Peri had some knowledgeable discussion with the sales rep, and I bought them. I love them, so happy she was there to help.

Jane moved in a couple weeks ago; last weekend we did blitz gardening on the lower side patio - it looks fantastic! We bought flowers - marigolds and azelea bushes and geraniums and a couple of baskets of fuschia. I'll take and post some pics. She found a cleaning service, and we're splitting the cost. They came for the first tiem today, and that is great.

I've also ordered slatted blinds for the clerestory windows - I am hoping they keep the house cool enough this summer. They should show up in a couple days and then I call the installer and have them put in.

Last week, Thursday, I went out for lunch with a co-worker and we ended up at Evvia in Palo Alto one of my favorites!! Yay! And that evening, I planned to hang out with Renee and we ended up in Palo Alto at Patxi's - and the pizza was superb. PA twice in one day is quite a treat.

On Monday, I got to do 3 things for the first time: drove up to Millbrae and took BART to San Francisco (1); to meet a friend up there for dinner (2) and we dined at Jardiniere (3). The restaurant is beautiful. On Monday nights they do a prix fixe dinner with wine pairing each of the 3 courses. What fun! Dinner was great, it was interesting to take BART for the first time. The seats are upholstered and the cars carpeted. How unexpected.

Catching Up

It has seemed like a long, dark winter. Mind you, I am fully aware of how blessed I am to live in California! Still, it's been very rainy - which we need - and cold. I would have weeks of just coming home after work, getting right into my pjs and bathrobe, and heading to bed.

Still cold today, but sunny. I have travel for work upcoming, and this week will be to a warmer place. Phoenix, here I come!

A couple weeks ago, I had 4 friends over for a brunch/swap. It was a blast! I have been clearing out, slowly. Had built up a pile in the second garage. Took the car out of the first garage, put a tarp down and piled all the stuff in there. Made a few quiches, a batch of muffins and coffee and tea. The ladies started showing up, with stuff to add to the pile. We ate & chatted then a couple of them started rearranging the stuff in the garage, so we could all see it.

Everyone thought they wouldn't take anything home but they scored big! Pam, who is a size zero/two (tall and very slim build!) said: "I didn't bring clothes because they wouldn't fit anyone, and I don't expect that anything here will fit me." I reached into the closet and fetched out an evening coat I'd been hanging on to, for years. From my Grandma Amoses second husbands daughter. I could button it, but it was tight, even at my lowest weight. Handed it to Pam, it fit her beautifully. Later in the afternoon, Pam saw the Born sandals - "What size are those?" Renee chimed in, "Size 7 - I don't know why Mom bought me those, I'm a size 9!" Of course, Pam is a 7. She scored! Carol F brought a lot of clothes - and it turns out that she and Renee are just about the same size. Renee scored big, with a new wardrobe! I dug into a box of stuff I had set aside to see on eBay in 2005 - before I moved to Germany - and came up with 4 Tonka toys. Carol said "I will be the best Mom ever, bringing these home!" Her son Marek would appreciate them. Kristen brought a few nice things that didn't fit anyone. But she left with 4 things, and was planning on taking nothing. After the frenzy of trying and looking through stuff was done, we packed all the remains in my car and I drove to Goodwill and dumped it. Yay!!

Swaps are so much fun - everyone gets to try on things that they wouldn't normally even see in the stores. And they take home stuff to see if it will work, and if it doesn't, it goes on the next Goodwill pile. Easy!

Now I have room to do the next level of purge, and will do that over the next few weeks. Time to plan the next swap!

Sitting in an airport waiting for my flight

Looks like agreat day for flying, sun is peeking out over some low fog. Headed to Chicago for a set of meetings with a sales channel partner. Yes, most of you reading know what a 'channel partner' is but I've started prepending 'sales' to that around the office - just to emphasize the importance of these people to us. Am lobbying for more resources :-)

I am paying much better attention to my internal dialog these days. I have given my inner voice a new job - to encourage and support me. She's not quite exactly sure what that means, but is tentatively starting that. So when the negative pops up, I catch it and think something better for myself. At this new level of self-awareness, I marvel that I was ever able to get out of bed previously!

But I don't seem to be breathing. For years I've been resisting any of the breathing practice that goes with yoga. Have finally unstubborned enough to learn some techniques and realize how much I use my breath to express discomfort. If I perceive a negative situation, my breath is very shallow. Today, it seems like I'm just not breathing. I'll realize it's been 10 or 15 seconds since I breathed in or out. I have no idea why.

Time to grab a coffee and download my email. Have a great day, all!

Jan 16, 2010

How did it get to be this date already? Seems I was just in Rochester for Christmas.

Dad is now fine, back in his apartment at Crimson Ridge. He's weaker and more frail, not walking at all if he can help it. He's accepting the aids changing him and showering him, which is a relief for all concerned. He was turning them away for a while. In mid-December, he fell 3 days in a row, then couldn't get up. We think it was a combination of being dehydrated from a new medicine and the stress of Christmas. Every time he sees the doctor, he comes away with a new pill. It's insane. He has regular checkups, and they keep giving him new meds that don't really help anything. Greg's talked with the doctor about stopping that. Andrea stopped it at the hospital while he was in there, and the reaction she got was "you're letting him go". He's 82, frail, not fighting for himself and every new med in the past year has not only not helped the symptom for which it was prescribed, it has had a bad side effect. Dude! Time to rethink care for the semi-ill elderly!

I read all the reports from his various CAT scans and other test from his week in the hospital. Nothing really stood out, he's got degenration of the disks in his lumbar spine, his bones show expected degeneration for his age (and it's time to rethink those expectations, too) and bunch of small calcifications throughout his body, whatever that means. In the early 70s, he got really ill - a perforated bowel. They thought it was a perforated ulcer, and started his surgery at his stomach. It was OK, and then they cut lower & lower. Ended up taking out a section of bowel. He was in the hospital in intensive care on IV antibiotics for a couple weeks, obviously recovered. But we now wonder if he was not absorbing calcium right ever since. And I am taking my suppliments and going to the gym to stay strong!

Except right now I have a rotten cold. Came on Thursday afternoon, I sneezed a few times. By that evening I was coughing and spluttering. Stayed home yesterday, did some work through mid afternoon and then I just crashed. Thank god for heating pads, my back ached so badly and the heat helped. I had made some food the weekend before - a big pot of meat sauce, heated some and cooked some pasta. Decided I wanted some cheese, so I started grating it - and just that got me out of breath! I do not understand how that happens with a cold. I'll be weeks getting back to my normal cardio capability at the gym, and since I dislike pushing myself that way, it's not that great to start with. Bummer.

And this is the first cold I've had with the braces on. Last night with my sinuses all full, my head was throbbing and my teeth were too. Too much stuff in my head, and the pressure was building. At the back of my mind I was flirting with a really savage bout of claustrophobia - I was thinking I might want the braces out RIGHT NOW. Fortunately, it passed without much effort. But man, the things I can do to me, in my head - I'd like to harness that power for building a business for me.

Still really like my job. It's getting ever busier as we grow. The company is changing big time - people leaving and coming in, jobs changing. I've struggled with that, which surprises me. I thought I was all down with change, having been through so much in recent years. I believe that some of my problem again is the braces - my head aches for a week after an adjustment, and every few days a new spot inside my ceeks is rubbed raw and hurts. I think that's had me a bit off balance to start. And I am working hard to flow with the changes, not take it personally. To those of you who have talked me off the ledge during this period, I send again my heartfelt thanks! And, I want a business of my own that provides profitable income - enough to retire mortgages and let me travel - and the time flexibility to do so. (Yes, that's a 2010 goal!)

I was going to go down to the Gilroy Outlets with friends today, but I'm thinking I'll be spending most of today in bed instead. The weather is cooperating by being cloudy. I have enough food - I think - and have recently discovered Hulu so I can pass some time as I recover. Tonight I might have a fire in the bedroom fireplace - haven't done that yet. I've lived here for almost a year. I still haven't finished moving in. I have a big resistance to spending more money on furniture and more time looing, so I don't have a coffeee table or the right shelves. My office is sort of set up, but not quite right. And the travel for work starts again next week, and I'm going to be traveling a lot this year too. Just keeping the place moderately clean, my clothes clean, and myself fed and worked out is all the time I want to allocate to my living place. Outside of being sick in bed, I prefer to spend the reat of my time with friends and doing things like golf and hike and bike ride.

Ugh. Everything in my head just solidified. Now I have to mouth breathe. Time to heat up some breakfast and have some coffee, hoping that will help. But the 'blink my eyes and what I wish appears' thing seems to be broken. Means I have to get out of bed. O bother!